This week has been a whirlwind of emotions. Some I don’t necessarily know I have felt before. *not as frequently as I have recently anyway*
Feelings of inadequacy, greatness, humility, humbleness, concern, excitement, disappointment, more greatness, and then even more disappointment. *is life just like this?*
When all of a sudden I realized I forgot the whole-soul purpose of how beautiful it is to have feelings, these feelings. Because these/those feelings separate us from one another… the way we react, understand, grieve, and accept things we don’t understand are all so vast and just, different. AND THAT’S OKAY. ITS ALLOWED.
Often I feel like when things are just beginning to come together, one thing comes and disrupts the plan that seemed almost “perfect.” *By MY definition*
It isn’t until further investigation that I realize there was nothing perfect about the situation I was just in, and in fact, there were a ton of flaws. That had those flaws not come to the surface, continuing to pursue whatever outcome I was hoping for would just end in an uproar of objection, and rejection. *this is probably normal* Shoot, I don’t know… do you ever feel this way?
This leads me to believe that the newest form of “perfection” is then actually found in a scenario that once started or seemed “imperfect.” This little conveyor belt of emotions is then in a perpetual repetition *I pray I am making sense* because if I am not, then that’s just awkward and I sound like a lunatic! Just in case, lets concoct an example….
I have been working with a couple for a few months (excited), and I thought this couple really fit the mold for a home I was absolutely sure they were going to purchase(greatness)! Yippee!! It wasn’t until things began to unravel with them that I realized, maybe it wasn’t as good of a fit as I had wanted it to be(disappointed). Then comes along a new family, the most unexpected candidate(humility). But they turn into the most beautiful and amazing experience (greatness).
^This continues in many other forms of my daily life.
Do you ever feel like you have so many emotions that you don’t actually know which one you are feeling? In reality you may feel 1000 different things all at one time. *tiring*
I am so TIRED of this burden that I MAKE myself carry. I force myself to have an answer to everything. When in reality I need to accept that sometimes, there just isn’t an answer. It’s about damn time, I just accept that, that is a freaking answer! *mommas throw those hands up and say “I HAVE NO IDEA”*
Because if I don’t, and I continue to pursue a “WHY” to things that are out of my control… I will consistently disappoint myself. There really is no need to do that… I am NOT GOD… I CAN NOT PLAY HIM. There are reasons I am not supposed to know the things he knows… I think it’s about time that I just accept that as an answer and be okay with it.
A couple of days ago, someone shared with me the serenity prayer. Talk about conviction. Sometimes I accidentally question Gods intentions. But now I believe I am ready to let it go, and just accept that there are many things that I, Aimee CAN NOT change.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that he will make all things right if I surrender to his will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with him Forever in the next.”